#107 Ximena Vengoechea: The Counterintuitive Secrets of Listening That Will Transform Your Relationships
Ximena Vengoechea has been UX researcher at companies like Twitter and Pinterest. She is the author of several books including the one we discuss today titled Listen Like You Mean It: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection.
Her writing has been published in The Washington Post, Newsweek, Fast Company, CNBC, The Muse, among others. She writes a regular newsletter on personal growth and human behavior at ximena.substack.com.
In this inteview we discuss:
How to Listen Beyond Words - Discover techniques to understand the emotions and unspoken needs hiding beneath surface-level conversation.
When to Switch Listening Modes - Learn to identify your default listening style and how to adapt it based on what others actually need from you.
Turning Any Topic Into an Engaging Conversation - Find out how to remain genuinely curious about subjects that don't naturally interest you by focusing on the person sharing them.
Setting Healthy Boundaries While Listening - Master the balance between empathetic listening and protecting yourself from carrying others' emotional burdens.
The Power of Being Fully Present - Understand how mindfulness, reduced note-taking, and self-awareness create the foundation for meaningful connections.
Show Notes
[00:00 - 04:30] Introduction and family background
Ximena's parents' careers and their influence on her values
Growing up with a strong work ethic and love of ideas
[04:30 - 09:15] Developing independence and studying abroad
Studying in the Czech Republic during high school
Learning to navigate different family dynamics while abroad
[09:15 - 14:45] Language learning and cultural immersion
Speaking four languages and traveling extensively
The connection between language learning and understanding cultures
[14:45 - 18:30] Educational path and Harvard experience
First-generation American with no initial Ivy League aspirations
Growing up in Staten Island, New York with suburban benefits and city access
[18:30 - 22:15] Important listening influences in Ximena's life
Family members as early models of deep listening
The contrast between group dynamics and meaningful one-on-one conversations
[22:15 - 26:00] The journey to becoming an author
Literary agent Layla Campoli's cold email that started it all
Balancing writing a book while becoming a mother
[26:00 - 31:30] The foundations of deep listening
Humility as the basis for effective listening
Understanding listening modes and their applications
[31:30 - 37:45] Practical listening techniques
Identifying underlying needs in conversations
Staying curious about topics that don't naturally interest you
[37:45 - 42:30] Managing emotional boundaries as a listener
Avoiding vicarious trauma when hearing difficult stories
Recovery tec
Memorable Quotes
"Listening with humility really means that you're coming in with an open mind about what you're about to hear."
"In every conversation, there's a need they're trying to meet."
"I think humility is being able to see in that moment, in that conversation, that the person you're talking to has expertise that you don't, and that's their lived experience."
"If you're having a one-on-one with someone and they're sharing something... the thing you want to figure out is, how's this person feeling? Because that's really what's going to dictate the next set of steps. And we don't tend to forget feelings."
"Don't be afraid to dive in, but do your research."
Key Takeaways
The Foundation of Listening: Effective listening begins with humility and an openness to learn from others.
Beyond Surface-Level Communication: In every conversation, look for the underlying need the person is trying to meet.
Listening Modes: Recognize your default listening style (problem solver, identifier, etc.) and adapt it based on what the other person needs in the moment.
Staying Present: Build self-awareness about your own limits and needs to maintain your capacity for deep listening.
Finding Curiosity: When a topic doesn't interest you, focus on what it reveals about the person sharing it rather than the subject itself.
Resources
The Life Audit - Ximena's viral article on Medium
Connect with Ximena
Twitter: @xsvengoechea
Instagram: @ximenavengoechea